is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
