i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
