I cannot find my penis.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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