fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
