So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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