Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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