I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
