I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
