theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
