So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
