Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
