Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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