every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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