If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
