Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
