the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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