As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
