My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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