dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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