just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Welp...herpes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
