my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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