Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
