So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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