Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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