She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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