In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Still dying that you shit outside
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
