you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
