I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize