he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
