I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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