I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
