just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
