Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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