I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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