i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
