I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
