Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Randomize
