Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
