if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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