Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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