No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
