is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
