I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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