It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
