Four minutes until I can fart!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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