My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
