I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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