Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think your dad took our porno
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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