I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize