Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
