so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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