chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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