Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize