I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Randomize
