Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize