Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
