another moral hangover. fuck.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
