Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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