i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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