3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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