Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
